So I have not had a close family member pass away. This week my great grandmother (my mothers side) passed away.
This is why I have so many mixed emotions... My mom and dad divorced when I was young. I wanna say they filed for divorce not to long after I was born. My mom did not want me and my dad was given custody. (She has never told me her side of things so I only know what my grandmother tell me to be true.) My mom would pick me up Friday nights and my dad or grandparents would pick me up from her home in Downey, CA on Sunday at 3:30. This went on for maybe 6 years. Things were fine this way. Then one day she stopped coming and dropped off the face of the earth. The last time she picked me up was at one of my soccer games when I was maybe 11. The twins were only maybe 6 months old. (she has 3 other children Robert, Catie and Ryan) Anyhow there is a bit of where my mixed emotions are coming from.
So I was talking with Ryan my little brother last night and he said they were driving up to Oregon for Great Grandma's funeral. It makes me so sad to hear these things second hand. Reading them on face book is not fair to me. Because of my mothers selfish decisions in life I never had the opportunity to have the relationships with her side of the family that I deserve. The only thing I have are the memories of them. The memories of the geese trying to bite me on her farm, jumping on the trampoline that was off the old wooden patio, the memories of my mom and aunt saying in a dead sleep I started jumping on the bed in the middle of the night. I remember my white purse with a gold chain the my great grandmother kept in the closet for me (it was for me to play with when I came over) I remember going out to the mil where the cows were being milked and one of the cows kicked my hand away. I can smell the farm. I remember so many small bits and pieces from my visits up there. Its just not fair that it is all I have. My mother being so selfish to keep me from being included in family. I was a child when she took this away from me for reasons I will never understand.
I feel like I should have as an adult made the choice to do what I should have to find them. Involve myself in their lives. So many shoulda coulda woulda's. I thought last year was a good start when my brother Robert invited me to his wedding. I drove 5 hours 2 weeks after giving birth to my daughter TO BE THERE! It had been more than 17 year since I had seen any of them but I did it. I was so nervous the entire drive. I made it and was so happy I went. But that was the last time I spoke to my mother and here we are a year later and nothing has changed.
Having nothing but memories is hard, being forgotten is equally as hard. Sometimes no one understands why or where we are coming from when you need them most.
Don't let time fly to many good things will pass you by...................RIP
